雜記寄札

　　小時候，考一次第一名，爸爸會帶我去吃麥當當。

                                                                               

                                                                               

　　「兒童餐一份。」

                                                                               

                                                                               

　　我指指那張有小雞塊的圖。

                                                                               

                                                                               

　　爸爸總是用一個小小的錢袋子，裡面裝著他攢下來的錢。

                                                                               

                                                                               

　　「瑋瑋好聰明，爸爸也會多努力的。」

                                                                               

                                                                               

　　他每晚投入一塊錢，兩個多月的累積，最後輸出一張發票。

                                                                               

                                                                               

　　我看見店員面露不耐煩地數著銅板，當他要將發票遞給爸爸時，還深怕碰到他的手。

                                                                               

                                                                               

　　他不知道爸爸的手有多麼溫暖，又是多麼溫柔地抱著我。

                                                                                                                                                               

　　我跟爸爸說我不要吃了，將那張發票還給店員，我拉著爸爸的手離開店裡。

                                                                               

                                                                               

　　我拉著他去賣肉燥飯的地方，點了一大一小，好心的老闆還送給我們兩顆入味的滷蛋。

                                                                               

                                                                               

　　「爸爸，以後我考第一名時，我們就來這邊吃好嗎？」

                                                                               

                                                                               

　　爸爸苦笑著點點頭。

                                                                               

                                                                               

　　同學說我是殺人犯的小孩，原本是老師的爸爸，沒有一所學校願意聘他，一般店家看過他的經歷，也不願雇用他。每天清晨他推著豆腐攤出門，那個豆腐是爺爺教過他的，我沒見過爺爺，爸爸說爺爺不願意再見到他。

                                                                               

                                                                                                                                                               

　　「爸爸，如果我做壞事，你會不要我嗎？」

                                                                               

                                                                               

　　爸爸搖搖頭，將我抱個滿懷。

                                                                               

                                                                               

　　一直到我成年，第一次捐血，我才知道爸爸不是我真正的爸爸。

                                                                               

                                                                               

　　我逼他說真相，直到以離家出走作為要脅，他才願意說出。

                                                                               

                                                                               

　　我是他殺死的人的兒子。

                                                                               

                                                                               

　　我的親生父親在我剛出生時才知道得了絕症，母親離家出走，絕症後期父親已陷入錯亂，他喊著要人殺死他，而他卻連自盡的力氣都沒有。過去沒有所謂的安樂死，除非自盡，否則就只能熬到死亡。

                                                                               

                                                                                                                                                               

　　爸爸養著與他沒有血緣關係的小孩，我的親生父親是毀了他一輩子的人。

                                                                               

                                                                               

　　「爸爸，為什麼你要這麼犧牲自己？」

                                                                               

                                                                               

　　他仰起頭，喟然而嘆。

                                                                               

                                                                               

　　「如果那時候不這麼做，我對不起自己的愛，如今看見你長大，我也不愧對他。」

                                                                               

                                                                               

　　我靜靜地淌下淚。

                                                                               

                                                                               

　　爸爸將他對父親的愛，用一輩子付出。

                                                                               

                                                                               

　　而過去我對他的孺慕，至今似乎已化為與他相同的情感，又該如何給予？